Responding to Racism in Real Time

When Racism Happens in Real Time: Responding with the 4 D’s of Bystander Intervention

Have you ever found yourself in a moment where someone says or does something racist—and it happens so fast, you freeze? The moment passes, but it lingers in your mind. Hours later, maybe even days, you’re still replaying it, thinking of all the ways you could have responded.

These moments can trigger a fight, flight, or freeze response. Your body reacts before your brain has time to process. And while that’s a natural reaction, it can leave you feeling powerless or regretful.

But here’s the truth: you can respond. And you don’t have to do it perfectly or immediately. That’s why I want to share a powerful framework that has helped me—and can help you too—navigate these moments with intention and courage.

It’s called the 4 D’s of Bystander Intervention:

1. DIRECT

Speak up in the moment. Address the behavior head-on.

This approach can be uncomfortable, but it’s often the most powerful. It involves clearly naming the behavior and expressing that it’s not okay. You might say:

• “Please don’t use that word.”

• “What you just said is offensive.”

• “That comment was racist, and it’s not acceptable.”

I remember being at a business dinner where someone casually shared stories about how his father used the n-word. The first time, I froze. But when he said it again, I found the strength to say, “I don’t want to hear that word.” He replied, “I’m just telling a story,” and I said, “It’s hurtful.” Others at the table began to speak up too. That moment reminded me that speaking out can shift the energy in the room—and invite others to stand with you.

2. DELAY

Take a moment. Respond later.

Sometimes, the best response isn’t immediate. Maybe the person holds power over you. Maybe you need time to collect your thoughts. That’s okay. You can still make an impact by addressing the behavior later—privately, calmly, and with clarity.

You might say:

• “I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier, and I want to talk about it.”

• “I didn’t feel comfortable with that comment, and I want to explain why.”

Delayed responses can be just as powerful, especially when they come from a place of reflection and care.

3. DELEGATE

Get help. You don’t have to do it alone.

If you’re not in a position to speak up—or if you feel unsafe—find someone who can. This could be a supervisor, HR representative, or a trusted colleague. You can also enlist allies to help address the behavior, either in the moment or afterward.

Delegating doesn’t mean you’re avoiding responsibility. It means you’re being strategic and protecting your well-being while still ensuring the issue is addressed.

4. DISTRACT

Change the subject. Shift the energy. Create an exit.

Sometimes, the best response is to redirect attention or remove yourself—or someone else—from the situation. This is especially useful when the behavior is so egregious that direct confrontation isn’t safe or productive.

A client of mine, a white woman, was recently with a group of women of color when a law enforcement officer began to visually scrutinize them in a way that felt invasive. She instinctively stepped in front of them, creating a physical barrier and a distraction. The officer disengaged, and the women were able to move on safely. That simple act of presence and protection made a powerful difference.

Remember: You Have Options

The next time you witness or experience racist or offensive behavior, remember the 4 D’s:

• Direct: Speak up and name the behavior.

• Delay: Wait for a better moment to respond.

• Delegate: Get help from someone with authority or influence.

• Distract: Shift the situation or create an exit.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be present. Every response—no matter how small—can be a step toward change.

Dr. Stacey